A wise sage once told me “drugs are the answer.” He then gave up his IT job and fled to Cape Cod to run a B&B.

Dar Williams one mused “There’s so much to see through/Like our parents do more drugs than we do.”

And I’m sure that Ms. Williams indulged a bit in the land of…. “chemical creative enhancement.” It’s been a lure of composers since the days of Mozart (and likely earlier), and continues to be part of songwriting lore. And some of the best have chronicled their drug adventures in song.

1. “I Want A New Drug” - Huey Lewis & The News (from Time Flies: The Best Of Huey Lewis & The News)
   Huey Lewis came into his prime in the 1980s, when cocaine was all the rage amongst the rock star elite. The one problem? All the nasty side-effects. So Lewis asks for a better drug that has zero side effects, one that makes him feel like he does when he’s alone with the object of his affections. I blame good ‘ol endorphins and hormones, man.
2. “My Drug Buddy” - Evan Dando and Juliana Hatfield (from Rare On Air, Vol. 1)
   One of The Lemonheads’ lesser-known tracks, this song talks about scoring some kind of illicit substance, then finding a place to use it. Simple and effective, this sparse arrangement (recorded for an NPR show) makes the whole deal seem a bit creepy.
3. “Cold Turkey” - John Lennon & Plastic Ono Band (from Live Peace In Toronto 1969)
   In the latter days of The Beatles, John Lennon was fueled by drugs. In particular, 1968 and 1969 saw him addicted to heroin, like many of his peers. His attempt to shake the smack monkey resulted in this song - appropriately titled “Cold Turkey.” He describes the agony of withdrawal from the addictive substance, and this live performance from his one-off peace activism concert in Toronto includes painful warbling from Yoko Ono, who was also shaking the smack, and manic guitar playing by Eric Clapton, who was still very much addicted to the stuff.
4. “Cocaine” - Bob Dylan (from Live At The Gaslight)
   Sure, Johnny Cash and Eric Clapton (via J.J. Cale) mused about cocaine. But Dylan beat ‘em all to the punch with his folk song about having “cocaine all around my brain.” The song was penned by Woody Guthrie and Cisco Harrison, and its lyrical construct and contents hearken back to Tin Pan Alley more than the rock-and-roll circus (which Dylan had yet to join). But as a song telling the tale of too much cocaine, this one works quite well.
5. “Addicted To Drugs” - Kaiser Chiefs (from Off With Their Heads)
   This song doesn’t really say much about drug use, other than its protagonist saying that the subject of his warnings is “addicted to drugs.” Seems fitting.
6. “Another Irish Drinking Song” - Da Vinci’s Notebook (from Brontosaurus)
   Alcohol is a drug (a depressant), and this ditty plays upon the cliché “Irish pub song” by pointing out what really happens when a person drinks non-stop all night. Tongues firmly in cheek, DVN does a nice, four-part harmony job while warning of drinking in excess.
7. “Who Needs The Peace Corps?” - Frank Zappa & The Mothers Of Invention (from We’re Only In It For The Money)
   Frank Zappa was about as anti-drug as anybody coming out of the 1960s could be. He took pride in his straight-edge ways, and used every available opportunity to poke a bit of fun at the “trippy, hippy” generation. “Forgive me ‘cos I’m stoned” is one of the refrains of this song, which skewers not only the “tune in, turn on, drop out” culture of San Francisco, but also the then-new Peace Corps. It’s classic Zappa, to say the least.
8. “Smoke Two Joints” - Richard Cheese (from Tuxicity)
   The ultimate Vegas lounge lizard parody artist, Mr. Cheese skewers Bob Marley’s ode to smoking reefer. Irie, all you cool cats and kittens!

Just remember: don’t drink/smoke/toot/snort/shoot and drive, okay?

Download: “I Want A New Drug” - Huey Lews & The News (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: “My Drug Buddy” - Evan Dando and Juliana Hatfield (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: “Cold Turkey” - John Lennon & Plastic Ono Band (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: “Cocaine” - Bob Dylan (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: “Addicted To Drugs” - Kaiser Chiefs (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: “Another Irish Drinking Song” - Da Vinci’s Notebook (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: “Who Needs The Peace Corps?” - Frank Zappa & The Mothers Of Invention (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: “Smoke Two Joints” - Richard Cheese (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download a handy ZIP of all of the songs:

Download: Chemically Enhanced (ZIP)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

It was tough to do this and avoid profanity, but I giggled in giddy glee as I winnowed down the tracks for this set. And I think Mr. Carlin would be proud at how this list rises to the challenge!

1. “Why Don’t We Get Drunk” - Jimmy Buffett
   Now coming out of the mouth of David Cook, Taylor Hicks (or even Carrie Underwood… maybe), aiming at an older audience, this song could work. But out of the mouths of babes (e.g. David Archuleta)? No way Fox TV would let the tweenies hear their poster child croon “Why don’t we get drunk and screw?”
2. “Scream Thy Last Scream” - Pink Floyd
   It’s probably a safe bet that no Pink Floyd songs would ever make it into the American Idol songbook. For some reason, songs about losing one’s father in WWII, going insane and carnal capitalism don’t strike me as disposable pop fodder. But back in the days of Syd Barrett, the Floyd was seen as a possibly viable pop band (e.g. “Arnold Layne” and “See Emily Play”). But Barrett’s rapid decline into acid casualty status put the kibosh on that, and nowhere is it more evident than in this track, which aired on the BBC but was never released as a single. Gosh - I wonder why?
3. “Sue Me, Sue You Blues” - George Harrison
   Ah, sweet litigation! There’s something comforting in songs that talk about the less-than-friendly breakup of one of the legendary bands of all time. But that’s what George “The Quiet One” Harrison sings about on this slide guitar accented number. Again, while it’s not a subject that’s taboo, it’s one that most of the young contestants and voters in the target Idol demographic wouldn’t know.
4. “La Petit Mort” - Erin McKeown
   The French call orgasm la petit mort - “the little death.” And not only does this song talk about orgasm (and its possible Biblical ties), but it’s about having that “little death” with a fellow woman. In terms of taboo, we have both sex and lesbianism - huzzah!
5. “Enormous Penis” - Da Vinci’s Notebook
   Good ‘ol Paul and Storm wrote this ditty about how wonderful it is to have a sizeable phallus - and in four-part harmony, at that!
6. “I Lost My Tampon” - Krause
   Why is it the Dutch have all the fun? This Dutch alt-rocker sings about losing her feminine product somewhere…. place unknown. Would Idol go there? I think not!
7. “The Needle And The Damage Done” - Neil Young
   All the kids are diggin’ the heroin - they love their smack! And leave it to Neil Young to wax poetic about death by overdose - pep rally time!

Have fun!

Download: “Why Don’t We Get Drunk” - Jimmy Buffett (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: “Scream Thy Last Scream” - Pink Floyd (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: “Sue Me, Sue You Blues” - George Harrison (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: “La Petit Mort” - Erin McKeown (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: “Enormous Penis” - Da Vinci’s Notebook (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: “I Lost My Tampon” - Krause (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: “The Needle And The Damage Done” - Neil Young (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

So I’m back - it’s been a while, and I’m sorry that I left y’all hanging.

But I return with this collection of name-check goodness.

1. “A Simple Desultory Philippic (Or How I Was Lyndon Johnson’d Into Submission)” - Paul Simon (from The Paul Simon Song Book)
   One of Simon’s most overtly Dylan-inspired numbers, “A Simple Desultory Philippic” was first seen here, on Simon’s UK-only solo album from 1965. In this song, he sums up the life of a traveling singer-songwriter who has seen his share of oddities. And he summed it up in a stream-of-consciousness, talking blues ramble through his folk music voyage. Eventually covered in a more polished form by Simon & Garfunkel (as “A Simple Desultory Philippic [Or How I Was Robert McNamara'd Into Submission]“), this is a more raw, more fun version of the song, where you can visualize Simon with his guitar in a tiny studio, smiling and laughing as he put this one to tape.
   Musicans Name-Checked: The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, John Lennon, Bob Dylan, Mick Jagger, Tom Wilson, Art Garfunkel, Barry Kornfeld
   Others Name-Checked: Lyndon Johnson, Jack Kerouac, John Birch, Ayn Rand, Walt Disney, Diz Dizzley, Walter Brennan, Cassius Clay, Lenny Bruce, Dylan Thomas, James Joyce, Andy Warhol
2. “Vera” - Pink Floyd (from The Wall)
   Vera Lynn was one of the torch song singers of the 1940s and 1950s, and her most famous song - “We’ll Meet Again” - was in last month’s playlist from U.N.K.L.E. Matt.
   Musician Name-Checked: Vera Lynn.
3. “Elvis Is Everywhere” - Mojo Nixon & Skid Roper (from Unlimited Everything)
   This song brings back strong memories of staying up late on Sunday nights to listen to the “Dr. Demento Show.” As a kid growing up in Utah, any bit of counter-cultural outlet was inviting, and the good “Doctor” was always there to please. Sure, I think I heard one too many plays of “Fish Heads” and “Shaving Cream,” but he also played a good deal of classic stuff, including this lovely, evangelist-gospel-surf punk send-up of Elvis’ legacy. And Elvis is everywhere, and he’s responsible for everything, and will bail this world out of all bad things. Uh-huh. Yup.
   Musicians Name-Checked: Elvis Presley, Billy Idol
   Others Name-Checked: Joan Rivers, your mom, Michael J. Fox, Dr. Spock, Klingons
   Famous Places Name-Checked: the pyramids, Stonehenge, Bermuda Triangle
4. “Face Like Billy Joel” - Da Vinci’s Notebook (from Brontosaurus)
   A short song by a now-on-long-term-hiatus parody vocal group - and the visual says it all.
   Musician Name-Checked: Billy Joel
5. “I Watch Paul (The Paul McCartney Song)” - Too Hip For The Room (from Three Brothers)
   A song about stalking Paul McCartney - good, wholesome fun for the entire family! “Bring a friend, pack a lunch, read the map, play a hunch.” It’s too bad our protagonist has no idea about what to do when he actually encounters Paul.
   Musician Name-Checked: Paul McCartney
6. “We’re The Pet Shop Boys” - Robbie Williams (from Rudebox)
   Robbie lovingly name-checks one of his influences, and lyrically refers to a lot of their songs (”It’s a Sin” and “Can You Forgive Her” are definitely there, as are others). And the mix is right out of the Lowe and Tennant playbook, too. All in all, a fun song.
   Musicians Name-Checked: Pet Shop Boys
7. “Farewell To John Denver” - Monty Python (from The Monty Python Instant Record Collection)
   Okay, this one is rude - really rude. But it’s Monty Python, so it can be excused, right? Graham Chapman does the intro duties, and Eric idle does his best imitation of Denver - with some rather lewd lyrics. Heeeee…..
   Musician Name-Checked: John Denver
8. “Beware The Killer Tents” - Moxy Früvous (from The C Album)
   This song made its debut at a songwriting workshop at the 1999 Falcon Ridge Folk Festival, where this Canadian quartet were challenged to write a humorous work within an hour. The result is this name-check-happy tale of carnivorous camping equipment. Most of the musicians whose names come up are folkies, but your sure to recognize a few along the way.
   Musicians Name-Checked: Susan Werner, Eddie From Ohio, The Kennedys, The Ivy Vine Players, Greg Brown, Vance Gilbert, Tony Trischka, Ani DiFranco, Ferron, The Nields, Moxy Früvous (I should add that this studio version of the song expurgates one verse from the original Festival version. Said verse name-checked: Roger the Jester, Ellis Paul, Cry Cry Cry, LJ Booth, Stacy Earle, Utah Phillips, and Wild Asparagus.)

Have fun!

Download:“A Simple Desultory Philippic (Or How I Was Lyndon Johnson’d Into Submission)” - Paul Simon
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download:“Vera” - Pink Floyd
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download:“Elvis Is Everywhere” - Mojo Nixon & Skid Roper
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download:“Face Like Billy Joel” - Da Vinci’s Notebook
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download:“I Watch Paul (The Paul McCartney Song)” - Too Hip For The Room
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download:“We’re The Pet Shop Boys” - Robbie Williams
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download:“Farewell To John Denver” - Monty Python
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download:“Beware The Killer Tents” - Moxy Früvous
(Right-click/control-click link to download)