Bite-Sized Bliss

This month’s list consists of fourteen songs that clock at about two minutes or less…nuggets of ear-delicious goodness ranging from TV and theme park themes to monologues to mellow album closers. Enjoy!

57.5 BARS by Call Florence Pow
I’d like to nominate this song as the theme song for this month’s playlist theme. I found this song years ago. I don’t remember how I found about these guys, but it’s most self-explantory 1:41 of power pop you’ll ever find. The lyrics are about as straight-forward as you can get and on top of it all, you get a crazy Latin bridge in the middle. Nifty!

CBS’s GREAT MOMENTS theme
The network jingle is an art that’s woefully lost. These songs made you feel that all the shows on network’s lineup and their stars were part of one big happy family. They also helped to ingrain that network’s tagline in your head be it “Still the One!” or “Let’s All Be There!” The 80s were the pinnacle of these mini-masterpieces and ebullient rah-rahs calling you to watch the Big Three. One of my favorites is this 1982 jingle for CBS’s fall lineup. It made you excited that new episodes of The Jeffersons and Magnum P.I. were on the way and then-new hits like Newhart were about to premiere!

NEW HORIZONS theme
In December, I included one of the wonderful songs from EPCOT Center’s original lineup of attractions from 1982. These songs while cheesy exuded an optimism that was quite typical of the 80s Reagan view of the future. This followup in 1983 for the much-missed EPCOT attraction “Horizons” is no different. Sweeping strings, a children’s choir, and hopeful lyrics made you think, “Hey, who cares about the recession and impending nuclear war? The 21st century is gonna be a-ok!

THE GOLDEN GIRLS theme
Upon hearing the first few notes of this song, anybody who grew up in the 80s will think of Saturday nights and America’s favorite horny old grandmas. This is one of the most recognizable theme songs of that era and is one song that pretty much any gay man can sing for you note-for-note. Most people probably don’t know that this song had a previous life as a single for Andrew “Lonely Boy” Gold in the 70s. It’s worth tracking the down the original with its extra verses and rarely-heard bridge. RIP, Bea and Estelle!

CARTIER by Elton John
Clocking in at less than a minute, this is one of Elton John’s shortest songs. He did this one on a whim as a tribute to one of his favorite stores…Cartier. This “commercial” for the world-renowned French jeweler was a B-side for his 1980 single “Sartorial Eloquence.” Look up the a capella version of in Youtube and you can find an a performance of the song that Elton did on Tom Snyder’s old “Tomorrow” show.

LIKE A VIRGIN by Bai Ling
One of my favorite short-lived reality shows was VH1’s “But Can They Sing?” This featured celebrities like Antonio Sabato Jr. and Morgan Fairchild singing in an “American Idol”-style singing competition. On top of all this, it was hosted by Ahmet Zappa. Needless to say, I was hooked from the first bum note. This performance from the premiere episode was from one of my favorite contestants on the show…Bai Ling. She tackles Madonna’s “Like a Virgin.” As with most singing competition shows, it’s a truncated version of the original, but boy…it will stick with you…for a long, long time. Wing has nothing on Bai Ling!

WHAT WOULD BRIAN BOITANO DO? by the cast of South Park
Speaking of Wing, here’s a number from one of my all-time favorite movies: “South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut.” The movie was a near-perfect parody of Disney animated musicals. Here’s the crazy thing…as hilarious as the movie was, the music was REALLY good as it stood on its own and is as good and sometimes better than many of Disney’s music classics. Marc Shaiman (who also composed the music for the wonderful “Hairspray” musical) and Trey Parker wrote this ode to the legendary figure skater who we learn is much more than just an Olympic medalist.

THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL BETTER by Linus of Hollywood
Now, I’m not a beer drinker…I hate the taste of the stuff…but this is one of the most heartfelt love songs to the drink. It’s also probably the best use of beer bottles in a pop song…EVER.

LAMAZE by Harry Nilsson
The prettiest song ever written about giving labor. This nearly-lost song was included as a bonus track in the re-release of Nilsson’s classic “Nilsson Schmilsson.” While many know Nilsson for his stirring covers of “Without You” and “Everybody’s Talkin’”, a lot of people didn’t realize he had quite the sense of humor. I propose we send this song to natural birth coaches everywhere!

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? by William Shatner
On the other side of the spectrum is this monologue by William Shatner. When I first bought his Ben Folds-produced album “Has Been,” I was expecting a goofy novelty album but what I instead found were some interesting musical pieces with very insightful lyrics read by the former T.J. Hooker. This one is probably one of the most personal pieces on the album recounting his reaction when he found his wife Nerine dead at the bottom of their pool. Very eerie and chilling…

YOUR MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION by Ben Folds Five
This piece was from Ben Folds Five’s final album “The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner.” The album found them getting into prog-rock territory and expanding beyond the raucous piano-bass-drums feel of their debut. This track doesn’t feature any vocals from Ben Folds but instead centers around a rambling answer machine message that Ben’s dad left. To this day, I still have no idea what the hell it’s about…

JUNK by Paul McCartney
A wistful song from Paul McCartney’s first solo album. Beautiful in its simplicity and doesn’t overstay its welcome…an often overlooked gem in the Macca canon.

THE WHOLE WORLD AND YOU by Tally Hall
The newest song on this list…Tally Hall was featured prominently in my best of ‘08 list and this shows the band’s diversity as they throw a bit of Dixieland jazz into the mix. Keyboardist Andrew Horowitz takes over the lead vocals in this song which was recently featured in an ad campaign for Crayola. A good pick-me-up of a tune that reminds all of us that “there’s no one better than you!”

SOUVENIR by Billy Joel
Gonna close this out with a song that Billy Joel used to use as his final encore song for years…This was the final track on his sophomore Columbia release, “Streetlife Serenader.” While the album is one of his most uneven, this short coda to the collection of songs is one its highlights. His live performances of this song would be almost always be capped off by his very helpful reminder to his audiences: “Don’t take any shit from anybody!” I concur, Billy…unless it’s from me with my oddball song selections for my Selective Service playlists!

Download: Call Florence Pow, “5.75 Bars” (mp3)
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Download: CBS’s Great Moments theme (mp3)
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Download: New Horizons theme (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: The Golden Girls theme (mp3)
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Download: Elton John, “Cartier” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: Bai Ling, “Like A Virgin” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: The Cast of South Park, “What Would Brian Boitano Do?” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: Linus of Hollywood, “Thank You For Making Me Feel Better” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: Harry Nilsson, “Lamaze” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: William Shatner, “What Have You Done?” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: Ben Folds Five, “Your Most Valuable Possession” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: Paul McCartney, “Junk” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: Tally Hall, “The Whole World And You” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: Billy Joel, “Souvenir” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

ZIP file of all songs will be posted tomorrow!