The Sex Factor

It was so challenging for me to find sex-related songs in my library of tunes. I mean, I don’t have the foggiest idea how innuendo works being the wholesome good boy that I am. O:-)

Oh, whom am I kidding?!? Let the debauchery begin…

1. TUSK by Fleetwood Mac
   In order to have sex, one of the things many people need is a penis. Based on what I’ve read, this Fleetwood Mac song is about Stevie Nicks’ penis…what? Stevie is a woman? Oh never mind…I hear the song is still about a penis and you need a penis to have sex…well, at least I do. By the way…best use of the USC marching band in a rock recording…ever!
2. ROCK MY SPOT by Scissor Sisters
   In order to have sex, some people need a vagina. This song is an ode to pleasing the vagina. And really, who better to pick a song about the vagina than me? And who better to sing about satisfying a vagina than Jake Shears of Scissor Sisters? This one was a B-side to their cover of “Comfortably Numb.” It’s a funky disco number that has a twinge of late 80s/early 90s George Michael in it. Irony abounds!
3. WHEN ARE WE GONNA DO IT by Linus of Hollywood
   Sex is a byproduct of horniness…that horniness is sometimes not satisfied for whatever reason resulting in blue balls. I present to you this jaunty, McCartney-esque ditty about the yearning to get laid. I’ve never heard anybody so upbeat about not getting sex. Oh wait…there are all those interviews with the Jonas Brothers…
4. COMING from “The Apple” soundtrack
   When one has sex, there are feelings of passion, seduction, and satisfaction. They have been written about in many a song, but never quite like this. This is from the best “worst movie” ever: The Apple, a disco-rock movie musical from 1980 set in the futuristic year of 1994. It centers around a singing couple who go on a music competition show only have them torn apart and allured by a big conglomerate music company. [Insert raised eyebrow here.] There’s a bunch of attempted religious allegory that I’ll save for a fuller analysis of the movie, but this song is one of the centerpieces. It takes place in this concubinal montage of not-really-attractive people having sex with each other. It’s all done tastefully as a sort of interpretive dance that was choreographed by (I kid you not) “So You Think You Can Dance” judge/producer Nigel Lythgoe. Oh, and as you’ll hear…subtlety was thrown out the window when this song was written.
5. BAD TOUCH by The Bloodhound Gang
   And when you’re going at it, you just go at it. I mean, seriously, what more can be said about that talks about animalistic, raw sex while namechecking Siskel, Ebert, The X-Files, and Waffle House? I gotta flag this one for karaoke the next time I go…
6. HE’S MY BEST FRIEND by Jellyfish
   Last but not least, when all else fails in the world of sex, you just have to take things into your own hands. This Nilsson-esque tribute to masturbation comes (no pun intended) from one of my all-time favorite albums, “Spilt Milk.” I can’t decide which is jauntier: this song or Linus of Hollywood’s ode to blueballs. Why are these guys so perky about not having full-on sex?!?

All right…time for a cold shower…

Download: Fleetwood Mac, “Tusk” (mp3)
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Download: Scissor Sisters, “Rock My Spot” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: Linus of Hollywood, “When Are We Gonna Do It?” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: The Apple, “Coming” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: The Bloodhound Gang, “Bad Touch” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download: Jellyfish, “He’s My Best Friend” (mp3)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)

Download all the songs in a handy ZIP file:

Download: “The Sex Factor” (ZIP)
(Right-click/control-click link to download)